Most of us start divorcing ourselves to be in a relationship, and in that choice, we begin to end the relationship before it even begins.
Let’s start by looking at the word relationship. By definition, it means the degree of distance between two objects. Why? Because for two objects to be related to each other, they must be separated; otherwise, they would have unity and are no longer in a relationship because they are not separate.
But many of us, when we are in a relationship of any kind, we forget that necessary separation between partner and me. Instead, in an attempt to unite with our partner, we separate ourselves, separate ourselves from the things and people we enjoy, and divorce ourselves in order to care for someone else.
Getting divorced in a relationship can be subtle and often begins with small sacrifices we make and dismiss because they seem trivial. For example, you like to go running, your partner does not. So instead of running, you spend that time with your partner to show them that you really care. “I love you so much that I would give up on this that is valuable to me to be with you” … this is just one of the ways you get divorced to create a relationship.
What if something totally different is possible? What if you could be in a relationship and not have to divorce yourself from any part of yourself or separate from yourself or anyone else?
Here are three ways to start the process of having them all and a great relationship:
1. Indefinite relationship
How many of the thoughts, feelings, and conclusions you have about relationships are really yours? How many times have you based your beliefs on what others say is true? Societies, cultures, families and religious institutions have influenced common views on relationships, one of which is predominant that the relationship requires sacrifice. If you buy this point of view, you will continually surrender in favor of your partner. Have you ever noticed that this doesn’t work? Sacrificing yourself always leads to resenting the other person and takes away the relationship. Never giving up allows you to contribute even more to the relationship.
Would you be willing to define everything you have decided about relationships? Including the view that you must sacrifice yourself to show that you care?
There is a very simple tool and when you use it for every point of view you have, you can change things. This is how it works: When you look at a point of view about relationships, like “relationships are hard work” or “being in a relationship means you need to give up,” try to tell yourself: that’s a point of interesting sight that I have.
This allows you to recognize that you have a limiting belief. By repeating this phrase, you will notice that you begin to feel lighter. It is a way of rethinking the brain from the point of view you have taken and making it simply “interesting” rather than meaningful. What happens when you use this tool is that your views become simply interesting instead of real and true. And when they are interesting, they are easier to put down.
2. Do what you love
The world is asking you to present yourselves with all of you, with all the beauty, brilliance and greatness that you are. When you cut parts of yourself to fit into a relationship, everyone misses the incredible gift you have.
How would your relationship be if you put them all in? When we choose to do the things that are fun for us, when we choose to connect with the people who value us when we choose what works for us, our relationship can continue to grow and expand into something bigger. When we stop choosing for ourselves, when we stop doing the things we enjoy, when we eliminate the people who take care of us and take care of us, our relationship becomes an automatic pilot and the adventure of life and life disappears.
If you want adventure, if you want joy, fun, and fun, keep choosing for yourself. And to clarify, choosing for you does not mean choosing against your partner. It means being in a relationship in which your partner supports you to be your true and best self.
You can start by taking an hour a day for something you love, like going for a walk, reading a book, or painting a picture. Choose what you love.
3. Start a gratitude journal
What we recognize becomes greater. When you begin to focus on the things you are grateful for, more of those things appear, so start practicing gratitude for yourself. Gratitude for you is one of the best ways to have everything. When you are grateful for yourself, you are not judging yourself. You are not looking for someone else to make you feel good.
Every day write two or three things for which you are grateful. This can be tricky at first since judging yourself is so much easier than being thankful for yourself. Do it anyway. Start small if necessary and then continue. You are a gift and a contribution to the planet. It is time to acknowledge it.
You are the most important ingredient in all your relationships. When you get out of the equation by giving up, the relationship cannot work. When you care about yourself, you have more to give to others. When you don’t care about yourself, you have less to give and are often offended. Taking care of yourself does not mean that you choose and fight against your partner, it means that you include yourself.